dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
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Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
welcome back
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.