THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
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Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Interior design 👌
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Battery falling down a hole
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.