ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
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[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️