Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
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Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined