Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
You Might Also Like
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Order here:
More here:
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front