89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉