*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
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My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I put the mess in domestic.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.