[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
You Might Also Like
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Pickled cat.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Our lord and savoury.