*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
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I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
podcasts
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.