Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
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The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Chicken bread
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool