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Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
HELP 😭
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.