I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
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Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
For the ones in the back.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
S O O N
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Just a friendly reminder!
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic