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[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline