Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*