There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
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someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Breaking news:
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.