Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.