Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
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If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
the #horror is real!
*Seductively hides in the woods
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
This will never not be funny 😭