I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
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My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.