The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
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There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.