I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
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Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I feel it
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.