my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
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I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.