David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
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6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?