Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?