Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
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Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
#SaturdayBears
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
What the dentist sees
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?