I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
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Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?