Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
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Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.