I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
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friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Otters see a butterfly.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?