I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
You Might Also Like
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth