Why would I want to fund a crowd?
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When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.