if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
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wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I came this close!!!!
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.