My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
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Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out