My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?