You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
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Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
*cough*
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.