When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
You Might Also Like
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie