Every Adele song is about lasagna.
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A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets