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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
this came to me in a vision
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.