He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
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Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.