[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
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[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
My blood type is coffee.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
This January has 47 Mondays
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines