Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
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these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me