i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
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If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.