fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
You Might Also Like
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Mmmm canned fish.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
All. The. Damn. Time.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.