6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
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I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.