St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
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Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Aaaa…CHOO!
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Is this a threat?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out