I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
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Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place