Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
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If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.