The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
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It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Reporter: *ports again*
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Nice try Hitler
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.