I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
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Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.