*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
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I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Lmao
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
they really do be looking like this
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”