Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
You Might Also Like
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
No chill.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.