Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
You Might Also Like
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
watergate? u mean a dam??
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.